


Novacaine

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, Loss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-10 01:39:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4372184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil never meant for it to end this way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Phil, I'm just so tired of hiding this! Of hiding us!" Dan shouted. He pounded his fist on the dining table. His jaw was clenched tightly, and his cheeks were wet with tears.

Phil let out a scream of rage. "I thought you knew what you were getting in to when we first started dating! I told you that I didn't want the world to know about our relationship!" he argued hotly. He was trembling with anger. His eyes were bloodshot and flaming with fury. 

When Dan and Phil had first started dating, Phil had requested that they hide their relationship from everybody but their friends and family. Dan had agreed. But as time went on, Dan began to feel differently about the decision he had made so long ago. He wanted to go public about his sexuality and his relationship. He wanted the world to know that he was bisexual and that the man who he had spent the last six years with was indeed his boyfriend. Phil was still adamant about keeping the whole thing quiet. He felt that the world didn't need to know. This issue was a sticky patch in the otherwise peaceful tranquility of their relationship. Lately, it had been the subject of most of their increasingly heated arguments. That night's fight was the biggest yet. 

Dan had come out. He had posted a video coming out to the world and exposing the truth. Phil was more than angry. He was  _livid._ Plates had been broken. Things had been thrown. Doors had been slammed shut, only to be yanked open again. All sorts of words were said, and tears had been shed. 

"You know what? I don't think I can live with a person who insists on living a lie," Dan growled. He stomped out of the room and out the apartment. Phil followed him, intent on dragging him back.   
  


"You get back here! I'm not done with you!" he yelled. Dan didn't even stop. He was halfway down the stairs when Phil reached out for him. Time seemed to slow to turtle speed. There was a scream and several thuds culminating into a sickening  _crack._

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

He didn't mean to push him. 

It was an accident. 

He never meant for this to happen. 

Phil stared at the floor of the A&E waiting room. His foot tapped a frantic, uneven rhythm upon the cracked white tiles. His heart was racing twenty-thousand miles per hour. His chest hurt enormously. A crushing sense of guilt was devouring him. His anxiety was through the roof. 

It had been an hour or so since Dan was rushed into the emergency room. There was still no news. And for that hour, Phil had sat in the waiting room, allowing his self-hate to eat away at him. He had spoken to Dan's parents on the phone. They were not upset with him at all. They were more concerned about their son. Their son that he had hurt. 

Images of the accident flooded Phil's mind. It replayed over and over and over again in his head. Dan pitching forward. Rolling down the flight of stairs, his head meeting every step with a  _smack_. The nauseating memory of Dan's body sprawled at the bottom. Unmoving. Lifeless. Everything afterwards had been a blur. The love of his life on a gurney. The ambulance ride to the hospital. The flurry of doctors and nurses who had rushed Dan off. He was reliving it mentally, and it was becoming his own personal hell. 

It seemed like millennium before a nurse came and brought him to Dan's room. When he entered the room, he almost collapsed.

Dan - his sweet, beautiful Dan - laid motionless on a hospital bed. He was encrusted in tubes, and an orchestra of machines surrounded him, beeping a vomitous symphony. Phil was looking at a broken shell. 

"The doctor will be in shortly," the nurse said. Phil pulled a chair closer to Dan's bed and sat down. He stared at his boyfriend. He couldn't have hated himself more than he did right at that moment. His self-loathing was threatening to vaporize him then and there. 

When the doctor walked into the room, Phil couldn't stop the ocean of questions that spilled out of his mouth in one messy, babbling gush. After he was done gasping out his many inquisitions, the doctor sighed and took off her glasses. 

"Mr. Howell has sustained severe, permanent brain damage. His neck and collarbone were shattered. He is alive, but barely. We placed him on life support. I'm sorry, Mr. Lester, but there is nothing more we can do for him. He has a 5% chance of waking up, but even if he does, he won't be himself. He'll be paralyzed and unable to talk or do much of anything," she explained.

The world was crumbling under Phil's feet. The sky was falling; he could feel chunks of it landing on him and squashing him. Everything was exploding and imploding at the same time. A black hole had opened up, and it was sucking everything that Phil knew and cared for into it and destroying it. Reality as Phil knew it was breaking down. The air was knocked out of him. His chest was caving in; his heart was splintering into a billion pieces. 

"Take him off. Take him off the damn thing!" Phil choked out. He could not stand the thought of his beloved Dan living - if you could even call this living - like this. He was not selfish enough to ride on the hope of Dan waking up and being no more than a vegetable. He would rather Dan be dead. 

"I understand you are distressed, Mr. Lester, but it is not your decision. I understand you two were close, but as you are not his spouse, his parents are responsible for decisions like this." 

Phil sunk back into his seat and buried his face into his hands. The Howells would see sense. They would understand the futility of hoping for their son to get well. They would love him enough to take him off life support and let him die peacefully. They had to. 

He broke down. He wept. So many emotions were attacking him. He was angry and sad and remorseful. After a slightly awkward minute of his sniffling and sobbing his heart out, he dried his eyes and addressed the doctor. 

"Thank you, doctor. I-I understand that you did all you could for-for Dan," he managed to wheeze out in between sobs. The doctor gave him a sympathetic look. 

"Again, my condolences. I'll take my leave now. Will Mr. Howell's parents be here soon?" 

Phil nodded. The doctor took one last look at Dan before leaving. Phil turned back to Dan. He didn't remember falling asleep, but the next thing he knew, he was waking up to Mrs. Howell weeping in her husband's arms and his own mother rubbing his back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not a doctor. Please don't dispute any of the medical stuff with me.


	3. Chapter 3

The grief was the hardest part. Not Dan's actual death. No, it was the suffocating feeling of guilt and sorrow that made the whole experience worse.

After a week in the hospital with no change in his condition, Dan was taken off life support. He never regained consciousness, and at 6:38 PM, he died peacefully holding the hands of his mother and boyfriend, surrounded by a group of his closest friends and family. 

The funeral occurred a few days later. Dan was buried in his hometown. Phil forced himself to appear strong. It took all of his will to look like he wasn't dying inside. He spent the night at Dan's parents house, where he recorded his first video since the incident. 

"Hey, guys," he began. His voice shook slightly. That was enough to send Phil into a dizzying sob session. He steadied himself after a minute and looked at the camera. He took a deep breath.

"As you may know, my room-." He stopped himself. 

"My...my longtime boyfriend Dan Howell recently passed away after suffering some horrible injuries. Injuries that I caused on accident after an argument we had." A lump rose in his throat, threatening to choke him to death. 

"I-I pushed him down the stairs while trying to stop him from leaving me. I feel incredible guilt for what I've done. I honestly don't know if I can get through this. I loved him so much. He has been my life for the past six years. I don't know what I'm going to do without him. I've lived with this man, spent so much time with him. I have to learn how to live again." 

Phil paused for a moment. Surely, everybody would hate him. He was a murderer. His fans would turn against him. He had to apologize to them. He had to apologize to Dan's fans, the ones who had been so in love with him for the past five years. He had stolen their idol from them.

"I am so sorry to all my fans and all of Dan's fans. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I will be going on hiatus for the time being until I figure out my life. Dan's channel will stay up so you can continue to enjoy his videos and his legacy. Our gaming channel will stay up. Feel free to make your own tributes to Dan. I know he'd be happy with them. So...yeah. This will be the last video for a while. Until next time, my lions." 

Phil stopped recording and saved the video onto his laptop. He'd edit this later. He was just so drained. He closed the laptop and turned off the camera. He collapsed onto the bed and just laid there.

He had to go on.

For Dan. 


End file.
